Writing Why rack your brain to find the right words, when I already have them?
I have twelve years' professional writing experience.
For an easy fee, my words are yours.
(References available on request. Prices may vary for extra large or detailed projects.)
#letter-formal - $17.99 (average 200-800 words)
Getting audited? Want to complain about bad products or service? Need to contest a bill?
If you require a formal, business-style letter, you need a formal letter-writer.
Oops, you have me instead. But--believe it or not--even coyotes know how to
word things well on occasion. Send me the details, and I will
translate it into formal, professional "business-speak" for you.
#letter-rude - $19.99 (average 200-800 words)
Are you really pissed?? Let 'em have it! My vast array of
irritating, insulting, hurtful, and downright cruel twists of phrase
are yours for the taking. No profanity (unless you ask)
but plenty of profundity. Ouch!
#letter-love - $7.99 (average 100-300 words)
Want that extra "something romantic" to tell your sweetie how much you love them?
Well, keep looking. This is a silly, pointless, absolutely mind-numbing string
of nonsense to tell your sweetie... um... well, we're not quite sure.
But it's guaranteed to be sappy, amusing, and--above all--memorable!
Each is unique, personalized to your needs.
#writing-desc - $4.99 per paragraph (average 25-100 words)
You have something to describe: a product, a website,
the hidden truth of your abduction. Whatever. I can describe it,
in affordable, tight, catchy prose. Kind of like this copy, here.
Imagine that.
#writing-copy - negotiable (email for a quote). Average $3-6/page (400 wds/pg)
It's a great idea! It's going to sell millions of copies... but you can't
quite find the words. Come to the Coy. I've got the words.
I'll sell them to you, too.
#writing-custom - negotiable (email for a quote). Average $0.15/word
This is the creme de la creme. For anything intricate, intimate, or
"other," this category allows you to define exactly what you want.
A ten-line poem in iambic tetrameter, a story using a given list of words,
a 5-page research paper on quartz crystals, you name it. You specify -exactly-
what you want, and I make it happen. (Extra charge for sonnets or things that
make my brain melt.)
Top Editing and Revision Everyone makes mistakes. Some of us make fewer than others.
Then again, some just know how to catch them.
Errors are like roaches; if you see one, you can bet there's a hundred.
Hire a professional to fix them before
you look less than professional.
#beta - $0.25 / page (average 400 words/pg)
Looking for a general, fair evaluation? Fiction, nonfiction, fan-fiction, even poetry is fine.
If you need someone to read your piece and give a general summary of its strong and weak points, this
is for you. I'm thorough, sometimes brutally honest, but fair. NC-17 slash fan-fiction featuring Snape now 50% off!
#copyedit - $2.99 / page (average 400 words/pg)
You know you have them: typos, misspellings, bad punctuation, wrong tenses,
or maybe a dangling participle or two. Do you see any on this site?
I didn't think so. Hire me and I'll catch yours, too.
#revision - $9.99 / page (average 400 words/pg)
Does the piece really need help? This in-depth revision covers larger mistakes like characterization, plot, and setting errors.
Heavy chewing, lots of markings, but fairness. You'll have a better manuscript when I'm through.
#edit-dunno - $19.99 flat fee (up to 50 pages, average 400 words/pg - discounted rate for longer works)
Okay, you've written something. Now what? If you genuinely have no idea what to do next,
this is the option for you. I will skim through your work and make a fair, honest evaluation
of what it needs: a good beta, copyedit, revision, or trashcan. I will also discuss
marketing strategies with you, including potential agents/editors.
Top Web Pages & Programs All right, everyone can do web pages these days. But can they do it well? I can.
I made this site. 'Nuff said.
(References available on request. Prices may vary for extra large or detailed projects.)
#web-page - $19.99 each page (average 2000-4000 characters [1-3 screens' worth])
This is your basic, html web page. You tell me the colors, pictures, and text to put in.
(If you need me to create the last two, or add frills, there's an extra charge.) I've been doing
this since 1994, and I hand-code everything. That way you avoid all the extra
crap that Word and many html-editors add. You want it simple, so it will load
fast and keep interest high. You want it eye-catching and professional.
You want the Coy.
#web-form - $14.99 (average 1000-3000 characters)
This is your basic, gray-background web form. You tell me what you want to ask,
and I make all the boxes and lists where people can type or choose an answer.
You provide the cgi script (to receive results), or else I'll set it up to email you.
#web-javascr - $15.99 each function (average 500-2000 characters)
What, you may ask, can you do with javascript? The answer is: everything.
Pop-up windows when you enter or leave. Change your forms around according to
someone's selection. Or I can make you one of those "Go" drop-downs like this:
Plus, as you see (with IE/Netscape), I can make them any color. That's Stylesheets. That's extra.
#web-css - $4.99 per item
Bored with your ordinary form boxes, backgrounds, and styles? I can change any aspect
of your page you wish. Any color. Any font. Any size. Any style.
You can even put a picture in the background of a text-area. Get crazy!
You want it?
Top Fun Faces & Fakes Ever wonder what you'd look like as someone else?
You email me a photo (passport-style is best),
I take shots eerily like those from the movies or print,
and I superimpose your face. Sound easy? Try it.
Then come hire me to do it right.
(Pictures are emailed to recipient; no shipping required.)
#art-custom - $14.99 (2 photos combined) Surcharge per extra photo and photo searches.
It's simple. You send two photos you want to combine, and tell me how you want it.
Your kid climbing Mount Olympus? Your face on your buddy's body? Happy Birthday instead
of "Hollywood"? ...How about your enemy's face on a corpse? Oh, yeah. I can do that.
Top
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please contact Dreaming Gates.
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Mail payments or correspondence to:
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Important Contract and Disclaimer Information (please read the License and Disclaimer before ordering, particularly the Addendum, as sending an order and/or payment indicates your agreement with those terms)
Unique Products...
and now Services!
All products are made by hand, fresh, when ordered. All services rendered on time by fresh website owner. Please allow 1-2 weeks for completion. Reasonable Prices, Satisfaction Guaranteed. Fleas not included.
What's New? *8-26-04: Ebil Stuff Shop now offered through Cafepress.com. Go buy shirts! Aren't you tired of being nekkid? *10-10-03: Amber & Vanilla Incense added, Strawberry removed. "Custom" writing type offered. Coy gets flea-dip.
~ PRODUCTS ~
Quality Prints Frame-quality prints of art, poetry, and similar material from this site. Printed on
high-grade, quality paper and signed by the artist.
#ART-LYCAN - $7.99
Now available by special request, a top-quality print of Aimless Coy's famous poem "Lycanthrope." Printed on heavy white paper, image 3.95"x6.85"
#ART-NAKED - $9.99
Get your own, professionally made NakedSnape Award! Printed on glossy paper, image 6"x6".
Art Print: "
The Real Reason
" by A. Coy (Adult version, no modesty leaf)
Art Print: "
The Real Reason
" by A. Coy (with modesty leaf, won't scare Grandma)
#ART-REALR:adult - $11.99 #ART-REALR:leaf - $9.99
This print seeks to answer the eternal question: "Why is that Potions Master Really So Snapish?" Printed on glossy white paper, image 6.72"x4.25". Adult content - purchasers of leafless version must be of legal age !
Top Stinky Stuff Dreaming Gates™ brand incense sticks in many varieties. Very strong and fresh - you can smell them in your mailbox right through the package! 25 sticks each.
Amber
#IS-AMBR1-25 - $3.50
Scent: deep and woody with spicy and sweet notes. Burn for luck & sensuality.
Clove
#IS-CLOV1-25 - $3.50
Scent: sharp and spicy. Burn for courage, money, & love.
Dragon's Blood
#IS-DRBL1-25 - $3.50
Scent: thick and rich with a sweet note. Burn for sexual potency and protection.
Jasmine
#IS-JASM1-25 - $3.50
Scent: Light and floral. Burn for love, sensuality, psychic dreams.
Lavender
#IS-LAVN1-25 - $3.50
Scent: floral and sweet. Burn for depression and anxiety.
Myrrh
#IS-MYRH1-25 - $3.50
Scent: resinous and spicy. Burn for healing, hex-breaking, peace.
Patchouli
#IS-PTCH1-25 - $3.50
Scent: sweet and earthy. Burn for money, physical energy, lust.
Sandalwood
#IS-SNDL1-25 - $3.50
Scent: sweet and woody. Burn for protection, healing, spirituality.
Vanilla
#IS-VANI1-25 - $3.50
Scent: sweet and light. Burn for peace, joy, and sensuality.
Coy o'Teas ~ Gourmet Tea & Gifts!
Writing
Formal Letter
Top
Editing and Revision
Web Pages & Programs
Fun Faces & Fakes
Quality Prints
Stinky Stuff